Today at the Indian buffet, my mom gave us an hourlong critique of The Phantom Menace, which she watched for the first time last night.
At some point, I started livetweeting this review, but my thumbs could only move so fast. Here, for posterity, are the highlights:
Liam, what’s his name, Nielsen? I felt sorry for him actually. He could have been in one of the first three movies. And the guy who played Obi-Wan, he’s a good actor, but I didn’t like his hair. I couldn’t stop looking at his hair.
And I did not like that girl. She had such beautiful dresses, but I kept thinking, they could’ve got a really great actress for this. If she would’ve shown any emotion, one way or another, that would have helped. Did this movie ruin her career?
In the first movies, that girl, Debbie Reynolds’s daughter, now she isn’t a beautiful woman. But you could see why both those guys were in love with her.
I liked the little boy and that bug that owned him. But why were the Jedi criticizing him for loving his mom? He’s a little boy who misses his mom.
They had to test his blood? To be a Jedi? Who’s his dad? I mean — who is his dad?
That bug should have gambled the mom, not the boy. Why would you gamble the boy? He was a genius. That was a bad business decision.
The bad guy was okay. He could have been evil without all those tattoos. You know that I’m a very opinionated person — he was overdone, in my opinion.
Whispers: Okay, I don’t know if I should say this, but those aliens who looked kind of Chinese? I think if I were Chinese, I’d be offended.
And that guy with the big ears and the southern accent, I couldn’t understand a thing he said.
Your stepdad and I were so disappointed. We made popcorn and everything.